Oct 272012

One of my friends just sent this to me:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that really sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.  This woman is extremely hard to buy for. What can you buy for the woman who has everything, and needs nothing.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. It was so cute and looked like it could be a gift that she would like.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your (her) assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….and if need be call for help……..

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button,,,,,,,,,  Nothing!  Darn thing probably doesn’t work…. I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the long blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that is so vividly described on television… AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what the burn spot is on the face of her brand new microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad , it was soooo small, with only  two small tiny triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul that she is ……………) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (only for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. The consequences would have been too drastic. I would have to explain to my wife what happened, and I’m sure that payback  to my wife would be long and painful,,,anyway,,, she is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat, clad only in a pair of running shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant  flop on the ground like a fish out of water, leaving him or her completely without function for quite a few minutes.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long and less than ¾ inches in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, “no possible way!”

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…?

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it you stupid fool,” reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole’ thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and …. HOLY MOTHER OF…WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION….WHAT THE , , , , !!!

Well,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the next few minutes jumped to light speed !!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, ,,,,,,, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall,,,,,,, waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, my body soaking wet, I think I wet my pants,,, both nipples were on fire, and my private parts were nowhere to be found. I was laying on the floor with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and an uncontrollable tingling in my legs!

The cat was making strange meowing sounds as I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging high above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body,,,,,,,flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution; there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You loose all muscle control and you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative! ? !  I probably got closer to 10.

THE PAIN WAS INDESCRIBABLE ,, IT HURT LIKE,,,!!! WELL ,,, anyway a minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as I’m sure it was longer, as time was no longer a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.  Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head  which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my private parts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! (I’m truly afraid to tell her what I did)

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.

Be assured that there is a cure for STUPID !

  4 Responses to “There is a Cure for Stupid!”

  1. Hello Melodee, my longtime friend!

    Yes; I had some local help on the editing for this latest book. Last time I burdened you with the work, it took us months and months, remember? It is too much to keep loading onto the same person over and over. But you and I sure did good work together!

    I’m actually still single and available. The only thing I’m married to at the moment is my facebook page. It is so much fun!

    • Well I’m glad you are having fun with Facebook, it’s about time!!! :-) I wont say I told you so… No wait, yes I will! I told you so!! :-)

      And proofing your work has never been a burden; you know you can always call me if you need some help.

  2. That was the funniest story I have read in decades- maybe ever! I laughed so hard as i was reading it aloud to my wife that tears of hilarity were gushing out of my eyes!

  3. Well that was pretty dumb – I just subscribed to your blog and that was the first thing read. Sounds like a good device; I need to get one of those :-)

    Hi there stranger, congrats on getting married!!! And the new book (guessing you found a new editor???? ) :-)


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